Keepin' it real
Defeat. That is the voice I have been fighting for the past couple weeks. God has been slowly, (sometimes not so slowly) pulling me out of my comfort zone over the past year and asking things of me that make me just plain nervous. As I have told you, starting this blog was one of those things. I have come to find that I am most passionate about writing and so I am grateful to God for giving me the ability, but he asks a lot in it! He asks me to be vulnerable ALL THE TIME. I cannot tell you how many times I have sat down to write to you and tried my best to come up with a pretty, soft, fluffy blog that you might like and that wouldn't cost me any personal exposure. All that ever leads to is writers block and that gnawing feeling in my gut telling me to write the truth! Of course, every time I do Jesus gets a lot of recognition and praise and so I am always happy I did it but it is hard to write it!
I suppose this blog is no different.
Yesterday I submitted my first ever real book into a writing contest. There. I said it. The cat is out of the bag. I have been so tempted to keep it a secret because well, WHAT IF I FAIL???!!! At first I thought I would just secretly enter and then only tell people if I actually win. Ha!( No pride in that huh?!) Of course, God has been persistently whispering to me to share this part of my journey with you and I haven't figured out a way yet to ignore him!
So now you understand why I am fighting that voice of defeat. More appropriately named insecurity.
Yes, here I am again back at the feast of insecurities! All the "what if's" are looming before me and all the doubts that normally come with being obedient to God have been nagging me for a week now. "Maybe it wasn't God telling me to do it". "Why in the world would a perfect stranger care about my book?" Every day there seems to be a new doubt that I have to tackle. I have never really done something this far from my comfort zone and I must tell you, it's nerve wracking! I feel like I have just gotten into a boat and pushed myself out to sea without a paddle and no way back to shore! I am sitting in that boat, getting a little nervous (and sea sick) as the shore becomes more and more distant when all of a sudden a voice in the sky asks me "where are you found?".
Where am I found?
That's really what the insecurity comes down to for me. I submit my very personal description of God's work in my life and suddenly I forget in whom I am found. In an instant it becomes about what they will think and what they will say. (they being perfect strangers mind you) It only takes an instant for me to take my eyes of the truth.
So what is the truth?
The truth is that I am found in Jesus and only Jesus. I live to please him and only him and you know what? He is pleased. I feel his pleasure and joy in me just because I chose to obey. I chose to listen to his voice and do what he asked. That will be enough for me. Knowing my Papa in Heaven rejoices over me is enough to wash away any doubt, any fear that I will face. Man's approval can never satisfy my soul and so I will not let doubt replace truth. No matter the outcome, I am who I am in Christ.
So, I guess you are going on this new journey with me which seems appropriate since you've been with me from the beginning! I promise to "keep it real" and share the hi's and the low's with you. Amazingly, I find freedom in that. No false pretense. No fake smiles. You can rejoice with me and you can cry with me. You can even agree or disagree with me. The point is that we are living life together and that pleases our Heavenly Papa.
Can I ask you a question? Is there something God has called you to do and you are afraid to do it? I would love to know what it is so I can pray for you to find courage and strength to fight the fear like I am having to do. You can Facebook me, comment on this post, text me, call me, whatever works but I would love to know that I am not the only one being pulled and stretched and molded! There is power in sharing our hearts with each other. When you discover that you are not the only one in "that boat" you will find courage to face the challenge! Maybe the challenge is admitting you are afraid. Maybe the challenge is just admitting what God is asking of you. Whatever the challenge, courage and strength to follow God's voice are within your reach. Grab tight to his hand, jump in that boat, and sail away because you just never know what treasures lay on the uncharted waters ahead!
"For I know my plans for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future". Jeremiah 29:11