Fear of Failure
I had no idea when I walked through this door God has opened that I would be so...scared. Not what you were expecting, huh? Well, I'm human folks and fear has been my biggest fight for as long as I can remember. I have, in my life, experienced fear so deep that I have been paralyzed by it. This fear is different. This fear is more like a dog nipping at my heels. It's more like a nagging voice. I told my husband the other day if he could just get in my brain for a minute he would understand. He said he would pass on that one. I don't blame him.
Truly, fear is not from God but it is real. To ignore it doesn't really work. To call it fake doesn't really work. The only thing I have found that works is to face it; to walk through it. I have gotten a lot better lately at asking myself questions that take me to the root of my fear. Questions like, "What exactly am I afraid of?"
No matter the situation, the answer to that is the same.
I fear failure.
Okay, so I fear failure. Well, how do I define failure? Not meeting someone's expectations. Yep, that sums up my definition of failure. If I have one scar on my knees from falling into this trap, I have a million! My whole life has been about meeting someone's expectation...until now. Now, my life revolves around two things:
Grace and Mercy.
I live for God's grace. I cling to his mercy. Grace reminds me that I am accepted...today...right now...as I am. Mercy covers failure. Of course, I had to drop the label that said "God expects" in order to believe this. I know that God's love for me has nothing to do with my success or failure. I know it deep down in my soul. I feel it coursing through my veins.
So, what was it I was afraid of? Oh, right, it was failure. Suddenly that seems insignificant. It pales actually, in comparison to the light of God's grace and mercy at work in me. I am learning that this grace and mercy cannot co-exist with this fear of failure. One of them has to go.
I say, let the fear go.
It won't be easy. It will show it's ugly head at the most inconvenient moment. I do believe, though, that it can be conquered. I believe that, even as I am struggling with fear. I may be afraid, but God's grace and mercy will restore my strength and give me courage to fight. In the end, I live to honor Him. In the end, He loved me first. In the end, fear will be no more.
I'm living for that day...but until then, I walk in the never shifting shadow of His grace and mercy. When I fear, I will tell my heart to be still because grace and mercy have found it...forever.
Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. Hebrews 4:16