First On His List
In my pride, I sometimes allow myself to believe that God has given me the responsibility of reaching this person or that person.
As if it's up to me to stir their soul and save it.
My heart is tender this week, as I've allowed God to shine light on that bit of darkness in me. My soul has been bowed low, listening and hearing, crying and silent as He has revealed, yet again, a weakness of mine.
I grew up with a keen sense that I was responsible for other's well being. The facade had a lot to do with that. When you wear a mask, you begin to believe that your make believe keeps everyone safe. I believed that in the deepest part of my heart. I really believed that I was responsible to keep the make believe going so the world would not crumble around me and everyone else. It's no secret that I fight, really fight, this war on make believe. I see clearly too that this will always be a sort of "thorn in my flesh." The temptation will always be there to say what I think you want to hear, or be what I think you want me to be.
I've seen this week, as I've repented of pride, that I have allowed myself to believe that God healed me for the purpose of reaching others. He didn't, though. He has healed me, continues to heal me, not so I will "do something" but because he is jealous for my heart.
He is jealous for my whole heart.
He has not changed my heart because he is depending on me to reach another soul on this planet. He has not healed my bleeding heart because I am second best and he wants me to be available to someone else who needs a revelation. He has healed my aching, sore, soul because it delights him to do so.
Because I am first on his list.
How could I miss this? How could I see the revelation of his love and still think this? He has brought memories that I had forgotten to me this week that I've had to lay at his feet. He has connected some dots for me, given me discernment into my own heart.
When will I finally believe that I am first on his list, that he heals and binds and saves because he wants me for his own.
He gave me this burning desire to write so I would have a place to fellowship with him, a way to pour my heart out to him. I process better with a pen in my hand, always have. He knew that from the start. He had me start a blog because he knew that if I would just sit down and fellowship with him, let him fill my cup, then it would overflow and others would catch the sloshing from my cup. He has me write in a public place for my own soul's sake. This corner of the web keeps me exposed, vulnerable to his voice in my life. He fills me up because he delights in doing so.
He delights in doing so.
No, God doesn't heal because of someone else who needs my healing. He heals because I am first on his list, because he is recklessly in love with me...with me.
What's the beauty of it all? We are each first on his list. He desires to be the only one sitting on the throne of each of our hearts. He desires to heal each of us so our fellowship with him can be personal and intimate. He chose each of us before we were seeds in our mother's womb. He called us each out into creation. He chooses him, her, you and me....
He chooses me.
"...He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful song." Zephaniah 3:17