A Place of Inability
Daddy cuts through the tape on the big brown box and all heads lean in, wanting a glimpse of what it holds. It feels a little like Christmas. The smell of new and fresh hits all our noses as we begin pulling out books, markers, even a handheld chalkboard. Teacher manuals...very, very thick teacher manuals...
What have I gotten myself into?
The thought hits me full and I am shrouded for a moment in doubt and fear. What ever made me think I was qualified to do this, to be the educator to my children? I thumb through one manual, then another...and I swallow that hard lump of fear...
and I begin to wonder.
Perhaps, God sees something in me that I don't see in myself. Is it possible that he has nudged and pushed me to the edge of what I know so that I will fall into his grace a little more deeply? In the instant, I mean the instant, I hear that little niggle say, "You can't do it." I hear that whisper rise from deep down in my bones...
"My strength is perfect."
Ah, the thought. The thought that I mustn't be qualified to go where he leads. The thought that when I've exhausted my own strength, my own knowledge, I'm already resting in his arms and so, he fills me up...fills my cup full to overflowing.
Ah, the thought...
The light came into their little faces as they begin pulling their discoveries from boxes. Oh, to be like a child, seeing it for what it is, an adventure. Indeed, God is calling my family into an unexpected adventure. Not what I thought, not what I predicted...but he knows. I see all the reasons it shouldn't work, why I can't. He knows the struggle I face to put it all together perfectly and to get it right. He knows that when I see something before me that I feel unqualified to accomplish, I'm tempted to shrink away, to avoid it or pretend I know for someone else's sake.
There won't be room for pretending in this adventure.
I will face my inability daily. I wonder though, if that is not the exact place I need to be. A place of inability. Why must I have it all together to do something God is calling me to? Why must I figure it all out and get it all perfect to be worthy? Why must I do it right to receive acceptance?
There is so much room for fear and doubt in this journey. However, God says his strength is perfect in weakness. If this is true, and I know it is, then every fear or doubt is a place of weakness for him to step into. I think I see a little of why Paul said he rejoiced in his weakness: the weaker we are, the stronger our God is. Maybe God has called me to this unexpected task for the purpose of refining me, of changing me, of being strong in me. I'm not the perfect mama and I won't be the perfect educator, but God will be perfect in me. He will fill my cup and give my girls just what they need from their mama.
So, in my moment of doubt, I will plant my knees in the dust of this Earth, and raise my empty, small hands to the sky. I will invite my Savior to come and fill my weakness with his strength because when it's perfection I seek, I can only find it in one place...him. His strength is perfect...
His strength is perfect.
"I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit."