Motherhood: Pass or Fail?
You know, this mom thing is not a test. We aren't being graded by God on whether or not we do a good job. He isn't keeping tally of our mistakes, either. And he isn't regretting that he made us the parents of our kiddo's. I remember so clearly when I brought my first little squishy baby home from the hospital. My heart was full of love...and fear.
"What the heck am I supposed to do??!"
I struggled, always, with feeling unworthy and inadequate, but let me tell you, being handed a little life to take care of brought forth the darkness of that fear more than anything ever had. I just knew I wasn't the right one for this job, that I was destined to failure.
Ah, yes, the failure thing.
I consciously told myself that I needed to find the rules, figure out what to do and not to do so my daughters would pass inspection...and I would too. Surely this was a test, a pass or fail test.
I wanted to get an "A"
God is grace, though. Oh, he is grace. My heart began the softening process when I became a mommy. I learned how to give the purest love I had ever experienced...and how to receive it.
It was glorious.
That just made me question if God's love really could be like that, too. Becoming a mom was the first step towards healing for me. Yes, all those dark skeletons came forth, cackling in my ear, telling me all that was wrong with me...but those two little faces, they were so full of love, so full of acceptance and trust...and they made me want to believe that I could do it,
that maybe I was enough.
So, I did what I had not dared to do before. I dared to look in the mirror and whisper that question that I avoided because I was so afraid of what the answer would be...
"Am I enough, God?"
The answer resonated in my soul, deep down in a place I had not dared to look at...and the answer was clear.
"I am enough."
For the first time, the thought came to me that maybe it was never about what I could offer my kids but what grace could offer. Maybe it wasn't my ability they needed...
maybe it was his.
My perspective started to change. As I let my God heal the old wounds in my soul, I began to taste freedom.
and it was miraculous.
Mommy-hood gives me the freedom to be me, because it is saturated with grace. I see, now, that God in his unending tenderness, gave me these two little lives to nurture...and they see me as perfect.
They see me the way he sees me.
His whisper became clear, as they began to grow and I began to pay attention to what really matters. I began to see how he loves me through the way my children love me. When they run in the kitchen in their princess dresses desperate to hear me say they are beautiful. When they fall and hurt, and they only want me, because only my voice, only my arms bring soothing to their pain. When they need forgiveness for a mistake and they come, tears in eyes, and crawl in my lap to ask for it...
God bent down low, close to my ear and even closer to my heart, and whispered that he sees me the way they see me, that he loves me the way they love me...
that I am enough because grace is enough.
No, mommy-hood is not a test, given by God, to pass or fail. There is no mold, no box, no list of rules. The whole blessed journey is about grace upon grace. It's about getting up everyday and knowing that you are filled with absolutely every good and perfect gift that you need to parent those little faces that greet you. It's never easy, it's wrought with challenge, it's scary, unpredictable
But it's beautiful.
These two little girls that greet me every morning with sleepy eyes and pillow ruffled hair..they are a gift, not a test....a gift. No longer do I walk in fear that I am messing up, forgetting something or breaking a rule. No. It's not about how well I do it all, or how badly I mess up.
It's about how desperately I love Jesus, and invite them to love him with me.
It's a mess, this mommy thing...but it's a beautiful mess.
Can I offer you a shower of grace, today, friend? You don't have to be defined by your good or bad. You can be defined by wild, passionate, never ending love. This love looks for weakness because it delights in filling weakness with strength. This love sees what can be, not what is. This love brings crowns of grace and honor to any soul who seeks it out.
Can you see it?
You, standing before the throne of grace, while your children look on, watching the King of Kings crown you with grace and honor. Grace is calling to you, friend, and it says that you can, that you are created for this gift of mommy-hood, that you have always been destined to be beautiful.
Failure does not define you, grace does.
Be overwhelmed, as I have been, by grace. Be free, friend, and sing the song of grace for you and your kids. Let them see you dance with delight in the presence of the King, because he is more than enough. Be overwhelmed by the song of grace and sing it out for your kids to hear...
Sing the song of grace...
He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful song." Zephaniah 3:17