Finding The Missing Piece
Suddenly, showers become negotiable. Suddenly, comfy clothing is more important than trendy because, well, trendy clothes don't look so good with spit up...but comfy clothes...who cares!!! All of a sudden, going to the store is a terrifying thought because there is this other person tagging along that might erupt at any minute and people might look on with judgmental glances.
Being a mommy changes everything.
Becoming a mom is like taking a test you didn't have time to prepare for. I really felt the sting of that unpreparedness...especially when baby was crying in the middle of the night and I wasn't really sure what was wrong.
Nothing says insecurity like a middle of the night mommy with a screaming baby.
I struggled for a long time with feeling like I had lost some piece of myself by becoming a mom. I really wanted to find that piece again, that part of me that had disappeared with feedings and diapers and lack of sleep. I wanted that piece back. I know, I know...being a mom is one of the most meaningful jobs around. Honestly, though, it doesn't always feel like that. When the baby is screaming, or the kids are fighting for the twelfth time in a day, or the dried oatmeal WILL NOT COME OUT OF THE BOWL...none of that feels meaningful. None of that feels like world changing work. Sometimes, it just doesn't feel like what we are doing really matters and that we've been lost in the process.
Here's the truth.
Being a mom means a piece of us changes. That piece I thought I had lost, really it was still there...just different. That piece of me that always knew, always had it together, always got it right...that piece turned into a place of weakness, a place of unknowing..
a place of trusting.
Yes, trusting. Trusting that I could hear God's voice guiding me in this journey. Trusting that He was working in my weakness. Trusting in grace. Before I became a mommy, I worked so hard to be enough because I knew, deep down that I wasn't. When my babies came along, it only highlighted that deep seated insecurity in me. I had this visible reminder every day that I was not enough, that I was constantly messing up, that I just wasn't good enough. Nothing drags up old wounds and darkness like mommy hood. It's true. The things we get good at glossing over, they come blazing to the surface of our lives when we become a mom.
And thank God for it.
Nothing about this job is meaningless. Mommy hood is a crash course in servant hood. Mommy hood is a crash course in learning to follow Jesus, to be like him. Nothing we do as a mom is meaningless...and we don't loose ourselves in the process. We become better selves. I am a better human being because I am a mom. I got my first glimpse of love in its purest form when I became a mom...and that put me on a journey of finding grace.
Can I share my little discovery with you?
Being a mom doesn't mean loosing yourself. You are changing, but change doesn't mean you stop being you. By choosing to step across this line into the unknown, you are experiencing grace at its finest. Yes, life looks different, you look different...but God's glory rests on you...
and you are beautiful.
Change is hard. It means walking in the unknown, but grace is found in the unknown. You aren't on a mission to put yourself back together now that you are a mom. You never were. You are on a mission to pursue grace, to rest in it. You aren't lost at all.
You are being found in grace.