Letting Go Of This Season And Embracing The Next
Well, here we are at the end of the school year (and all the people said, "Amen!"). I thought maybe we would not be anxious for summer break since we were doing the whole school at home thing, but I was wrong. We are totally ready for summer and counting down the days. Naturally, I've been in a state of reflection the past couple weeks.
I can't believe we did it!
That's my first thought, and yes, I think I will give myself a pat on the back! It went fast, just as fast as it would if I had been dropping my kiddo's off at school everyday. I think life just goes fast and there's really no slowing time down no matter what you do. My next thought is...
I can't believe how much I learned!
Yes, I learned a lot, maybe more than my kids. Oh, they learned too. I'm amazed at their little brains and what they soaked up. First and mostly, I would say we had so much fun! Really, we did. I loved watching my little monkey learn how to sound out words. She is reading through her little readers like a pro and I got to be there and watch it all happen. I had the privilege of guiding my oldest through the history of the Renaissance and then on to colonial America, showing her how it really is all God's story of redemption unfolding. Watching her put the puzzle pieces of it all together was so neat. Truly, they both amazed me. Kids are so adaptable. They just go with it, and they are good at it! I'm proud to be their Mama.
I learned to be flexible in all things. Nothing ever fits into a box and I am one who constantly tries to put things in boxes. God showed me this year that it is one beautiful tapestry, not a bunch of different paintings. My family is intertwined in what God is doing in me personally and I am intertwined in what He is doing in them. We form a beautiful tapestry, all of our colors and paintbrush strokes blending with artistic precision. I learned that the only way to let this tapestry happen the way God intends is to just let go and let Him do the painting. When I try and take the paintbrush from him, I break up the flow of the pattern and what I create makes no sense. I had to let go of a lot this year.
Mostly, I let go of my need to know why.
That's big, friends. The why is the stumbling block for many. Many times, we become stagnant because we want the answer to why before we dive in. I went in to this year not knowing the "why". All I knew was that my husband and I both had peace that we were being called to this. Oh, I came up with my own hypothesis for why, but of course, none of that turned out to be the answer. I didn't realize before this year how much caution I still had in my relationship with God. There was still a place in me that said
"I will trust you as long as it works out this way."
Of course, that isn't trust at all, is it? Trust is pretty much always blind. The bottom line is that there is no bargaining with God. This is not a relationship of negotiation. He is the one calling the shots, and if I want to soar with him, I have to let go of my pretend wings and pathetic attempts at flying, and crawl up on his back and let him do the flying. I really, truly, completely believe, now, that if God whispers to do it, I don't have to know why. He is faithful and I can just follow...blindly...because he can be trusted. I can climb on his back and let him do the flying. He won't fail. We went into the year with no long term plans. It was for "right now" and "this year" and we would stay tuned in to that gentle nudge and let Him lead. So, that's what we've done.
And now He is nudging us, again.
Two months ago, I was confident that we would be doing this again next year. We had so much fun and it went so well that I thought that was our confirmation to just stay the course. Then, out of the blue, I felt that little nudge again, just like last year, and I shared it with my husband. At first, the thought of not having my girls home next year would bring tears to my eyes, instantly. In fact, I still get a little emotional thinking about it, but I know now that I don't have to understand, I just have to listen and follow. So, we've followed along the past couple months, looking at all our options, praying, waiting, wondering what God might say. At first, none of the options made sense and we didn't have peace about any of them. Then, I went and toured a new charter opening up near our home and before I even left campus the peace of God settled deep inside of me. I got a little choked up when I left because I knew that was God's answer and I would have to let go of my babies, of my own ideas of what was to come.
That's what it all comes down too, really. Will I surrender to God's voice, to his leading, or will I hold on to what I think makes sense? Well, the answer is simple.
He can be trusted.
When we started this journey, God gave me the word "season". Of course, I had my own ideas of how long this season would be and of why this season had come...but none of that really matters now. What matters is that I've listened, followed, and will continue to do so into the next season. I feel so....settled inside. Something in me has shifted this year and I know, deep down in my soul, that God is really in control. I'm not afraid to follow blindly, and I'm done with the "why".
I don't have to know, I just have to follow.
So, come August my babies will be putting on their shiny new shoes, filling their little lunchboxes and backpacks, and waltzing into two different classrooms. While I am excited for the journey, I can tell you most definitely that this mama will most likely shed a few tears because, while I know God loves them more than me and will lead me to do what is best for them...
letting go is always hard to do.