When You Just Want To Know...
I don't have to know...but oh, I want too. I want God to lay it all out, give me the plan so I can photocopy it and post it all over my house. I want him to tell me what's up...
because I think I deserve to know.
My heart is a big mix of I don't even know right now. How is it possible to feel settled and certain of one thing, but also confused and unsure of another? I guess I'm just a hot mess.
Any other hot messes out there?
This life is made up of lots of little choices along the way. The big choices stand out to us because they are big, and they have big affect...or so we think. Really though, it's the little choices along the way that add up to one big, whole life. I am a big picture person, a visionary. Sometimes I hate that about myself because it is the very trait that gives me such angst. I see what could be in five years or ten years. I dream beyond the now.
BUT I HAVE TO LIVE IN THE NOW.
Sorry, I'm not yelling at you. I'm totally yelling at myself. Why does the now sometimes feel like a shackle? I know the truth. I know that the now is the only place I can live, the only place I can have an impact...but sometimes it feels like a prison. I have a conversation with Jesus often that goes a lot like this...
"Look, Lord, I could go there and do that!."
"Or, you could just stand where you are planted and do this that is in front of you."
"But Lord, if I go do THAT I will have greater influence, greater impact!"
"Shannon, do what is in front of you."
"FINE. Whatever you say."
I listen, but sometimes I do it with a a two year oldish attitude, and I know that is not cool. I've shared with you before about this deep need in me to feel safe. Anyone who lived their childhood cloaked in fear gets what I'm saying. We just want to know what's up, what's coming, what to expect, because we want to be assured we will be safe on the other side. Well, I NEVER know what is up, what is coming, what God is going to do. I'm not dumb, either. I know He does it on purpose. He purposely only lets me see a glimpse, a tiny piece of the puzzle...because he is teaching me what I need to cling to is him. If I know what is up, if I know what is to come, I will be VERY tempted to cling to my own ability, my own ideas of what is good and right. If I make the plans, I get the glory. Well, that is a problem, clearly. The only way for God to get the glory is for me to let go, to not know, to follow blindly.
So, I have to change my attitude. I have to follow, but not with a two year oldish attitude. Gratitude is the key. Seeing every single choice, every single detail of my life through eyes of gratitude....that's what Jesus did.
And I want so much to be like him.
Every choice Jesus made was done so with humble gratitude. His heart was to serve the Father, and he measured every choice he made by that standard. He was tempted but, in the end, he submitted himself to the Father's guidance. I happen to believe that while he knew the end result, knew he would die, he didn't go into every single day knowing exactly what it would hold. I think the Father revealed to him, along the way, what he needed to know to fulfill his mission. It's yet another way that Jesus understands our struggle. He knows what it is to be human, to follow God while the world is still spinning out of control, to trust God for the big picture and the everyday moments.
Truth is, this whole thing called life is a journey. I walk the road before me, never knowing what is past the horizon...but that doesn't have to make me nervous or anxious. It doesn't have to because, at the end of the day, either God is faithful or he is not...and I happen to know that he is faithful.
It's hard not to see things in my sense of time, too. God's clock is so different from mine, but I sure forget that. I hear the tick-tock of my own clock, and I actually worry that God is going to run out of time to make it happen.
Hurry up God, don't you see the clock is running out!
How silly. As if God needs to worry with my human concept of time. As if he works in my realm of hours and minutes. No, he doesn't. He works through the hour hand of forever and yes, he is moving me my life according to that same hour hand. But, yes, it's hard. I'm human, I see the time slipping away and sometimes believe that God is going to run out of time. That's like saying God could run out of resources. He is infinite. He is strong. He is all knowing. He has a master plan in place and I could never begin to understand it all. It's not my job to understand, though. It's not my job to photocopy the plan and put on my wall so I can work really hard to do it all right. It's my job to listen and to walk the journey, not with my eyes glued to the horizon with fear and worry, but with my eyes on him. We walk together on the journey, and I watch him, listen to him, follow him.
He won't lead me anywhere He hasn't himself already been.
So, I can trust him. I can follow blindly and I can even take joy in the journey because there IS joy in the journey. There is joy in knowing HIM, not in knowing all the details. At the end of that road I'm walking, when I've gone well past that horizon, I want to look back and see the one thing that never changed, that was always there, in every dip, turn, curve and hill I walked...
and that one thing is Him.
Maybe you are like me in this struggle. Maybe you don't like the "unknown" anymore than me. Well, be encouraged, friend that you aren't alone in that struggle. It is our weakness that is shining when we walk into the unknown, and while that can be scary, it is the place that His strength comes forth.
And I happen to know that His strength is made perfect through our weakness.