I've felt this distance lately from my Savior, from his spirit. I know he doesn't leave me, ever. I haven't questioned that...but I know when he's close, when he's breathing on me...and to be honest, I haven't felt that lately. I know he will step back at times, so that we will take steps towards him. He is just like a good papa, teaching a child how to walk. I think I've been doing some walking lately, on very wobbly legs.

I hear him, calling me to come closer.

Coming closer means discovering more truth about Him, but also about myself. That's been painful - seeing myself in truth. There is much I have surrendered to Jesus, but I realize there is still room for surrender, still more closets to clean out. It's different now, than it was before, when Jesus would show me things that needed to go. I wanted to follow him because there was still a little bit of that "get it right" in me, that need for perfection. I trusted him with parts of my heart, and he proved himself, so I kept trusting him.

It's different now though..

It's different because I know Jesus so much better than I did before. This time around, I am in love with him, consumed with him, desperate to be like him. This time around, the darkness revealed in my own heart causes me sorrow and grief because of how important Jesus is to me. I want nothing between us. I hold nothing as more valuable than him. To find that there are still things I've clung to, ways I've kept him at a distance...

it weighs me down with sorrow.

I know he will be faithful, I'm not worried about that. The harder part of this season is perhaps that I am required to put action to my words. I can't just say I want to be like Jesus.  I have to love people - all people- because that's what he does. He doesn't love some more than others. He doesn't give to some more than others. He loves...always. Realizing that I don't always choose love, well, it pierces my heart...deep.

I've told Jesus I hunger for his presence, that I thirst for his Spirit. I've told him that knowing him intimately is what I want. I've asked him to take me to a place I haven't been before, a deeper place. He has heard me and has revealed the sacrifice required to go to that place, to know him that way. The revelation has left me raw, my flesh exposed in all of its rot and infection, and I grieve.

I don't grieve without hope, though. As much as it grieves me to see the flesh still festering inside myself, I have great hope that as I walk through the fire of refining, I will come out pure. Jesus only reveals truth so we can be made free. He never reveals truth without a plan to heal.

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